


Letting Go

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [11]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pain, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron Whump, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, explosive fight, hopelessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23862178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: After a devastating argument, Poe thinks that Finn has finally had enough of him and leaves for good.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92





	1. Better Off Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story in my Broken Mind of Poe Verse. This first chapter is extremely heavy angst with strong language and motion of suicidal thoughts. It depicts a fierce argument between Poe and Finn. This is not a reflection on their relationship in any sense, but in every relationship there are times that things are said that aren’t meant. Poe and Finn aren’t any different when emotions run high and both have been keeping their feelings to themselves. I promise that the story will turn a little lighter later, but for now enjoy some heavy angst.

“Poe, you need to attend these therapy sessions! Dr. Firn has set them up so that they would work with your schedule. You have the support group too. If you don’t do those things then you can’t expect to get better,” Finn urged as he felt his voice rising in emotion.

It had been a rough week for both Poe and Finn. Neither have them had gotten much sleep and had plenty of meetings that they needed to get to. They were both on edge anyway and then Finn had found out that Poe had skipped his scheduled meetings with Dr. Firn as well as the support group meetings for the past two weeks. Finn really felt that they were helping Poe and he was beyond pissed to find out that Poe just hadn’t shown up and hadn’t given any reason as to why.

Poe glanced up with a fight in his eyes. His body was rigid and fists clenched. “I just didn’t want to go! Who are you, my mother?” 

Finn snorted in distain as he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re lucky your mother isn’t here to see this. I know for a fact that she would be just as angry as I am that you’re not taking the steps to get better!”

Hurt flashed across Poe’s face. However, Poe was never the man to back down. He was just too stubborn. “You don’t know anything about her!”

“I know that she wouldn’t like to see you not doing what you need to do to get better,” Finn repeated as he lifted his hands and rubbed the palms against his eyes. He felt that he had been having this same conversation with Poe for hours and it wasn’t getting them anywhere. “You have been given these opportunities and you’re not taking them.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “So, I can’t not go for one fucking week? Huh? I just didn’t feel like going and listening to how Morry was finally able to have a conversation with her brother and it never led to a fistfight. Or about how Jub was finally able to work out in the gym with his shirt off because all of his burn marks on his back and shoulders? And I’m here just getting fucking worse?”

“You’re not getting worse,” Finn protested in frustration.

“Yes I am!” Poe struck out a fist against the wall. Finn swore that he could hear the crunch of Poe’s knuckles as he struck out and punched the wall again. “Yes I am! I still can’t sleep through the night without fucking Kylo being in my brain as he dissected it. Anything louder than conversation level talking transports me back to some firefight. I’m fucked up, Finn, and all the talking and ‘support’ isn’t going to make it any better.”

Finn stomped one foot like an angry child. “How can you say that?! It’s been night and day. I used to come in to see you sobbing in the shower or pacing around the room. Now, you can go to meetings and act like a General again. How can you not see that?”

“Because that’s what I want you see,” answered Poe. He geared up to punch the wall again before settling to sinking his nails into the palm of his hand as he made a tight fist. “Are you that stupid that you can’t see it?! I’m being what everyone wants me to be! If you say the right thing and act the right way, then everything thinks you’re fine!”

Finn faltered in alarm. “What?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know! ‘How are you, Poe? Fine? Great!’ Oh, give me a break! All you have to do is put on a fake smile and say, ‘I’m great! I’m doing so much better. Thanks for asking!’ It doesn’t matter if you’re fucking dying on the inside. I thought that you could see through all of that, but you’re just like everyone else,” Poe seethed.

Finn pounded his fists together, longing to punch the wall as Poe did. He tried his best to keep himself at least a bit calmer than Poe, but it was becoming nearly impossible. “I am not like everyone else. I’ve stood beside you through everything because I love you. I can’t read your mind. I need you to tell me when you’re an inch away from breaking down.”

“I’m always an inch away from breaking down!” Poe’s cry sounded like a keening wail that had been pulled from him. “Everyday I wake up and think about ending my life! No therapy is going to make that feeling go away. It can’t! It’s been too engrained in my head. My stupid, fucked up head.” Poe lifted his fists to his temples and collided them harshly as he let out a strangled sob. “Nothing I do will get me out of this! I’m too far gone.”

Finn shook his head as he took a step forward. “You can’t say that. You can’t give up! You’ve come too far to give up now. You give up and the First Order wins.” He scoffed in surprise. “I never took you as a coward.”

“I’m not a coward,” growled Poe.

“Well you sure as hell are acting like it. You want to give up when things get too hard? That isn’t the Poe that I remember,” Finn confessed.

Poe glared at him almost dismissively. “I haven’t been that Poe for quite sometime,” he spat heavily. “That man is dead.”

Finn took a step forward and was about to speak when Poe lunged forward. He thrust his hands against Finn’s chest to force him back. “Get the fuck away from me!” Finn tried to walk back to Poe to calm him down when Poe suddenly swung a fist and it collided with Finn’s eye. Finn staggered as he let out a yelp out of alarm. “In fact, get the fuck out!”

Finn had one hand pressed against his eye as he saw stars in the other. “If that’s what you want,” Finn began with an edge to his tone to try and disguise his heavy pain.

Poe fiercely pointed to the door. “Leave and don’t come back!”

Finn glanced at Poe once before deciding that it wasn’t worth arguing, at least not right now. He would never to wait until Poe was a little calmer and could listen to reason. 

Finn grumbled harshly as he staggered toward the door and disappeared out of the room.

As soon as Finn left, Poe’s walls began to crumble. He suddenly realized what he had done in pushing away the only person who had stayed beside him. Everyone else had left. His so called friends wanted nothing to do with him. Finn was the only one who had stuck around and had gone to great lengths to help him.

Poe appreciated everyone at the support group, he really did. He could lean on them to a certain extent, but they had their own trauma too. They spoke often about not being afraid to share what had happened to them, but also being wary not to send anyone into a relapse. It was a fine line to walk and Poe never had to worry about that with Finn. Now, because of his anger, he had sent the only person that he truly loved out the door.

“Damnit,” Poe hissed under his breath. He turned to face the wall and furiously began to kick at it. Only when he could no longer feel the pain shooting through his foot did he finally stop. Rage bubbled inside of him as he let out a fierce scream as he pushed himself away from the wall. He started to pace with his head almost thrown side to side with his teeth gritted together and back almost hunched over as he walked around.

Weariness started to work through him as he began to slow. Tiredness from his lack of sleep finally seemed to catch up with him. He sighed as he found himself in the corner of the room and slid down while frustrated tears leaked from his eyes. His teeth were gritted together as he tried to choke the heavy sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. He collapsed to the ground as he pushed one fist with bruised knuckles against his forehead as tears fell from his cheeks and onto his pants.

Only when he felt a tiny nudge against him did he wake up. He frowned when he realized it was BB-8 with D-O a few feet behind him. BB-8 let out a few reassuring and worried beeps before trailing the rest of the way up to him.

Poe reached out and wrapped his arms around BB-8’s body. His forehead rested against BB-8’s dome as BB-8 continued to let out reassuring beeps. Poe finally broke down against his friend’s side.


	2. How I’m Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn seeks out some advice from one person that he can always count on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update came a little quicker than usual since I had some time on my hands. This story was a little harder to write since I’ve been on the receiving end like Finn. Being strong for other people is taxing on your own health and I hope that it reflected well in the story. Writing this verse has certainly been a good outlet for me and I hope that it may help a few of you that are reading it.

Finn trailed down the hallway with his agitation finally starting to ebb. He curled his hands into fists and then let them go. He was finally starting to have a bit of a clear mind. He was ashamed of his argument with Poe, or at least how he had kept arguing. It wasn’t a crime to loose his patience with Poe. All couples fought. However, the way that he had done it hadn’t been the best.

They both had said things that they regretted. Finn definitely knew he said things that he wished he could take back. Anytime Finn mentioned Poe’s mother it would get a rise out of Poe. Finn knew that. He knew how much Poe had loved his mother and how devastated he was when he lost her. The fact that Finn had aimed a blow so low to say that Shara Bey would be disappointed in her son would be uncalled for. He wished he could go back in time and change that. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility.

Finn wasn’t ashamed that they had the argument. He knew that he was allowed to feel frustration and impatience with things. He never minded caring for Poe when he went through these hard times, but sometimes he couldn’t bare to watch what was happening. He wasn’t a mind reading, not even close. He had no idea how Poe was feeling. He hated feeling like he was walking on eggshells and unable to say anything to Poe for fear of what he might do, or how he would react. The entire situation was almost hopeless. Finn had never felt such defeat and he had no idea how to make it better.

“Hey, watch where you are going!”

Finn looked down in surprise to see the small form of Maz walking in front of him. He had nearly plowed her over and she didn’t look too fond of it. “Oh, sorry, Maz. I didn’t see you there.”

“Clearly,” answered Maz dismissively as she flicked her wrist. “Now, what is so important that you’re rushing through here?” She paused when she saw Finn look down fearfully. “Or running away from, perhaps?”

Finn wanted to tell her. Maz had become his confidant after everything had happened, especially because she was the one who had first approached Finn when she saw the signs of the war disease in Poe. She was always there to listen and offer advice when Finn felt like breaking down. He couldn’t in front of Poe, because he had to be strong for him. He could break down in front of Maz in a way that he never could in front of Poe. 

“I see,” Maz murmured knowingly as she started toward one of the rooms. “Come with me and we will talk.”

Finn was relieved as he headed after. He made sure that no one was following before he slipped into the room after Maz. The door closed behind them swiftly as Maz headed over to one of the tables in the small conference room. She motioned to the space across from her. “Come on over. I’m all ears.”

Finn rushed to sit beside her before resting his hands on the table. He quickly told her about everything that had been happening. He spoke about how Poe had missed his appointments and his rapidly dipping moods. He even told her about what they had been yelling about and how he had brought up Poe’s mother. Then he showed her the mark over his eye where Poe had punched him. He wasn’t proud of any of it and once he had explained it all to Maz, he had a feeling that she was thinking the same thing.

“So, you both said some hurtful things, didn’t you,” questioned Maz as she drummed her fingers against the table.

Finn sighed. “Yeah, I suppose that you can say that. Okay, not suppose. Yes, we did. I know that I need to keep my cool with Poe, especially when he’s not. I really messed things up.”

Maz stretched out her hand and grasped Finn’s hand. Finn looked down to her with grief shinning in his eyes. “Hey, take a deep breath. Come on, breathe,” she instructed.

Finn took in a heavy breath as he blinked a few tears from his eyes quickly. He tried to take in a few more readying breaths, just like how he always instructed Poe to do. “I really messed up,” he confessed.

“Look at me. Both of you were at fault. This isn’t easy. It’s difficult to be there during these times. No one is asking you to be made of stone. That’s not an option,” Maz pointed out.

“I said horrible things. He’s just in pain that he can’t help,” Finn continued. He felt the anger that had previously be reserved for Poe now was aimed at himself. “I should’ve realized that.”

Maz grunted as she released his hand and stood at the table. She walked over to Finn and sat beside her so that she was partially leaning on his shoulder. “Those words that are stated in anger, we rarely ever mean. That being said, you need to allow yourself some grace. This isn’t easy to go through. It’s admirable that you’ve done this much with Poe already.”

“It’s not enough, though,” Finn argued. “I love Poe more than anything. All of this other stuff we can work through, I know that we can! It’s a challenge, but nothing that we can’t overcome. I know that we will get through it. I’m just worried about him when he doesn’t go to things like his therapy sessions or support group. I know that it can get monotonous and it can be frustrating. He is making strides. It won’t change in a day. It will take time and that can be frustrating. We’re not waking up as many times in the middle of the night and we’re joking around like we used to. I just wish that he knew that!”

Amusement and understanding showed in Maz’s big eyes. She chuckled as she nudged Finn’s shoulder. “If you ask me, you just need to tell Poe the exact same thing that you just said to me,” she suggested.

Confusion lit in Finn’s eyes. “You really think so?”

“You both need to reach and understanding and talk. If you don’t talk, then this is when resentments and misunderstandings blow up into full blown arguments where you say things that you don’t mean,” Maz pointed out with deep wisdom in her voice.

Finn took in every word that she said. “Do you really think so?”

“I do. Besides, I know Poe. He is headstrong and stubborn. He knows how to fight. It’s much easier to talk when you don’t feel attacked,” Maz replied with a small nod of her head.

Finn set his jaw. “What about him not going to therapy or the support group?”

“That’s something that you need to ask him. Find out why he doesn’t want to and then go from there,” Maz answered as she patted Finn on the back. “You may be surprised by his answer or you may understand better. Either way, it will only help if you ask.”

Finn lifted his hand and ran it through his short hair. He knew what he had to do and he felt a churning in his stomach when he thought about doing it. “It’s not going to be easy, is it?”

Maz shook her head gravely. “Most things worth while aren’t. However, it will only make your relationship stronger. That much I know.” She paused. “Do you love him?”

“Of course,” replied Finn without a moment’s hesitation.

“Then what are you still doing here, talking to me,” Maz questioned as she flicked her head toward the door. “Go and find him and really talk to him!” 

Finn nodded eagerly. His nervousness was still there, but he knew he could push it down to do what he had to do. “Yeah? Yeah! Thanks, Maz,” he exclaimed as he leaned down to give her a tight hug.

She laughed as she gingerly hit her hand against his cheek. “Go.”

Finn didn’t hesitate to dart across the room and left, rushing to try and fix what had previously been broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is probably my favorite out of this story. It was important to show Finn having someone that he can confide in about Poe where he can truly be heard. I always thought that Maz offered great advice to Finn in TFA and I wanted to continue that relationship. No one can stay strong like this alone when they have someone constantly taking from them and they’re not being poured into. Thanks so much for reading everyone and I hope you’re all well and staying safe!


	3. What I’ve Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn finally have the heart to heart that they desperately need.

Poe jolted when he heard someone knocking madly on the door. He lifted his head from BB-8’s dome as BB-8 let out a concerned beep. Poe brushed him off as he made his way to the door as he tried to compose himself. He didn’t want whoever had come to see him to think that he had just been sobbing on the floor with his droid because of a fight with his boyfriend. That wasn’t exactly General behavior.

He touched the panel to open the door. He nearly stumbled back when he saw Finn standing in front of him. He wanted to be angry and tell Finn to leave him alone, but he couldn’t bring those words to his lips. He could only stand there in shock.

“Hi, can I come in,” requested Finn softly.

Before Poe could answer, BB-8 rolled forward. He stood in front of Poe and let out a flurry of fierce beeps. Finn couldn’t speak binary and yet he knew that BB-8 was angry with him.

“Hey, hey, enough of that,” chided Poe as he motioned for his droid to back off. BB-8 reluctantly listened as he rolled back over to D-O, who was watching questioningly from the back of the room. “You can come in.” He stepped aside and waited for Finn to take the first step forward.

Finn started forward with an appreciative nod of his head, his hands tucked deeply into the pockets of his pants as his arms slightly flapped in apprehension. The door closed behind him and he found himself in the center of the room. An awkwardness seemed to fall on them and Finn wished that he would’ve thought about how he was going to say what he felt on the way over. 

“Why don’t we sit down,” suggested Finn cautiously as he looked to their bed.

Poe nodded, but didn’t say anything. He shuffled forward cautiously with Finn following, careful to give Poe enough time to sit first. Poe settled on the bed almost fearfully as he played with his hands in front of him. He picked at the cuticles of his nails while his lips pursed together. Finn settled beside him, but he kept his distance. He didn’t want to overwhelm Poe too much right when he walked in.

Poe coughed to clear his throat. He spoke, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Finn. “What are you doing here,” he questioned.

“I didn’t like where we left things. I said things that I didn’t mean and I’m sure that you said somethings that you didn’t mean.” Finn lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “What I meant to say is that I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry,” Poe croaked in shock.

Finn nodded gravely. “Yes, I am. I realized that yelling at each other isn’t the best option. Actually, it’s not a option at all. We should’ve been speaking to each other instead of at each other. I took me a while to figure that out. I just want to have a conversation. Is that okay?”

Poe could tell how genuine Finn sounded. He knew that he had to do the same. “Y-Yes. I’m sorry too. You didn’t deserve me to lash out like that at you or anything. I wasn’t angry at you. You just were the person caught in the storm,” he confessed with his head bowed in shame.

Finn’s shoulders slumped as he let out a heavy sigh. “We both made mistakes. That’s alright. That’s what happens in a relationship. We can make it better, though. We can talk and hear each other....” He suddenly trailed off when he saw that Poe had lifted a hand to his mouth and was trying to hold the sobs in. His entire body shook with the effort and Finn felt his heart rise in his throat.

He clustered closer to Poe and paused to make sure that Poe was alright with him being that close. When Poe didn’t pull away, Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s shoulders and pulled him close. “I didn’t mean to make you cry so soon,” Finn whispered against the top of Poe’s head.

Poe hiccuped as he tried to compose himself. “I thought that you were going to leave me,” Poe managed to choke out. “Everyone else leaves.”

“Hey, hey!” Finn lowered his head so that his cheek was almost touching Poe’s. “I am not like everyone else. I will never leave you. We may fight and argue, but I’m not going to leave. I’m not. There’s nothing that you could ever say to me to scare me away.”

Poe still didn’t seem convinced. His heart had just been too battered. “Every time I think that I get used to the look and the words they break me up again. I’m starting to believe that I’m not fucking worth it.”

“You are always worth it! I know that people have hurt you, people here, and that’s not right. I know that you feel lonely. You have to listen to them talk shit about you because of things that you can’t help. I can’t even imagine what that’s like,” Finn sympathized as he rubbed his hand gingerly against Poe’s shoulder as he still had his arm wrapped around him comfortingly. 

Poe gritted his teeth. “It’s agony. I would fix this if I could. I’m trying. It’s just frustrating to make strides and everyone still treats you like shit. I’m tired of the comments and the looks. People whispering about when I’m going to step down. Saying that I should be put out of my misery. Saying how useless I am. As if I didn’t have those thoughts already in my head,” he muttered.

Finn longed to hunt everyone of them down. If he and Poe weren’t so high up in the Resistance he would’ve taken him somewhere to heal away from all of this. Poe’s duties hadn’t changed and he still met all of them. He could usually make it through the day and joke with the best of them. He would check his X-Wing and make sure that no militia groups rose up. Then he would come back at night and all the walls that he had built up and all the emotions swirling inside of him would leak out. That’s what brought on the nightmares and flashbacks late at night. Finn could always tell when things would unravel and they would deal with them. They would wake up weary, but they would do what they had to do. There was no reason that Poe couldn’t do what he needed for the Resistance, but no one seemed to care about that. 

“Is that why you don’t want to go to therapy or the support group,” Finn asked.

“A group saw me coming out of the room,” Poe sniffed fearfully. “They started giving some of the others in there a hard time about it. Mhina and Naylo can’t handle that. I thought that it would be best if I stayed away so that I didn’t draw attention to them or make anyone even more suspicious of me.”

Poe sighed heavily as he managed to straighten. He needed to get through the rest of this conversation without loosing control. “I also don’t feel that I’m getting better. I still feel empty, hollow.”

“Then you need to tell me,” Finn practically begged. If he could’ve shaken Poe to make him understand, then he would’ve. However, that wouldn’t have done any good. “Tell me when you have these feelings. I don’t care if we’re joking around or if you’re not in the room. Let me know. I need to know so that I can help.”

Poe grumbled. “You shouldn’t have to be my keeper.”

“I’m not your keeper, idiot,” joked Finn as he nudged Poe fondly. “You would do, and have done, the same for me. Remember when I told you that we would get through this together? After that first panic attack with the fireworks?”

Poe paused for a moment before nodding. “I remember. I never thought in a million years that you would actually follow me. I thought that you would’ve given up by then.”

“I feel in love with you, Poe. This isn’t going to make me love you any less. However, I do feel that we need to figure out a better way of communicating when these disagreements arise, because they will happen,” Finn added.

Poe nodded in agreement. That was something he could get behind. “You’re right. Tomorrow we should write some of these things down.”

The methodical and logical side of Poe was showing. That in itself showed Finn that he was making progress. “That is a great idea.” He then paused. “Do you think that we can also talk about you going back to therapy and group? Because I do think that it’s helping.” 

Poe seemed reluctant. He let out a heavy sigh before nodding. “I suppose so.” He tipped his head up to Finn. “You really think I’m getting better?”

“I really do,” answered Finn and he leaned forward and kissed Poe lightly on the nose. “You’re not going to be cured overnight, but you are making strides, trust me. I would tell you if you weren’t.”

Poe smiled as he leaned back against Finn. He rested his head on Finn’s shoulder before reaching down to grasp Finn’s hand. “Do you really think my mother wouldn’t be proud of me?”

Finn felt a jolt seem to pulse through him. He set his jaw before shaking his head. “I was out of line when I said that. Your mother would be more than proud of you, I’m sure. I never met her, but I wish I could’ve.”

“She would’ve loved you. I’m sure she would’ve been a little surprised that I found someone like you. I don’t think she knew that I was gay, but I think that she would just be happy I found someone who loves and accepts me,” Poe murmured as he let himself go almost limp against Finn.

Finn reached down and kissed Poe on the top of his head. “She would be incredibly proud of you, especially now when you’re getting help. Setbacks are inevitable sometimes.”

“Can we just promise not to let it get that bad again,” Poe requested with his eyes slightly wide as he gazed up at Finn.

Finn smiled as he nodded slowly. “I think that we can manage that. As long as we both come forth when we feel anger rising. Deal?”

“Deal,” yawned Poe.

Finn couldn’t help but smile. Maz had been right. It hadn’t been easy, but they had talked through it and they were now stronger for it. Finn now felt like they could face anything.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m a sucker for fluff at the conclusion of a story. Thank you to everyone that’s read the story and I hope you all enjoy it! I hope to have another installment in this series soon. I just hope that you all are staying safe and healthy!

**Author's Note:**

> This story will be three chapters, so it won’t be overly long. I’ve been working on it for a bit. I didn’t want to make Finn or Poe sound like jerks to one another, but explosive fights happen during relationships, especially with tensions running high. I did my best to be respectful of both of them while pointing out they both had faults. PTSD can put a real strain on relationships and I wanted to be truthful of that fact in this fic.


End file.
